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问自己:生活是什么?

问自己:生活是什么?
到底是什么,为什么会有这么多的苦难,为什么这么折磨人。不知道从什么时候开始,我总会莫名其妙想象着自己会以什么样的方式死去。不知道这算不算是抑郁,只是独自一人在想象这些时很难自己走出来,有时甚至沉迷到我都觉得自己的心脏已经停止了跳动。
快过年了,突然不知道该去哪儿了,心里有的只是莫名的恐惧。年近五十了,突然好怕。怕年迈的父母身体不好,怕听到他们说这又痛那又不好,怕看到已经七十多岁的父亲拖着病痛的身体仍起早贪黑的去劳作。这时候是真心的恨自己,恨自己无能,却也很无奈。想象一下,早晨五点钟,天还没亮,我还没起床,父亲就出去劳作了,这时的我心里有多难受。
睡吧,哪还有躺得住;不睡吧,就算起来了却又帮不了什么。只能把心揉把的皱痕垒垒,痛着,忍受着,又使劲的揉把着,似乎是在疼痛中才能寻求一点安慰。说过年回新疆吧,也怕。记得有人说过:一个人的收入就决定了他的地位,不光在社会上是这样,家里也一样。因为这些年的碌碌无为,我在家里的地位被无限制的降低,甚至于在家里我真的找不到一点点属于自己的空间。
待在家里,老婆总会提出许许多多的标准和要求,让本应可以放松一下的家变成了囚禁的牢笼。她对我喋喋不休的指责和埋怨已经让我对家产生了恐惧。我真不知道她和我的结合是相伴到老的,还是欲来改变我的。也许正如她说的那样,我就是世界上最懒的人,是一个全身都充满否能量的人,是一个扔到垃圾堆里都回污染垃圾的人。
女儿是最漂亮的。女儿就是我的全部,是我唯一的希望,我很爱她。凡是女儿提出的要求我都会尽量的去满足她。我努力拼搏就是想给她创造一个好一点的生活环境和成长条件,我不想她受一点点委屈。可能是我的方式方法不对,在这次离家的前一天,在和女儿玩时又不小心把她给惹哭了。女儿声泪俱下的控诉着我的种种不是。
说我不关心她和她妈妈,说我就知道去外面跑,说我做的饭狗都不吃却逼着她吃,还说她不喜欢我 我这才发现女儿长大了,有自己的思维了,只是我没想到我倾其全力的关爱却让她有这样的想法。说心里话,当听到这些话时我整个人都惊呆了。我惊愕地看着女儿满是泪水的脸,听着她一条一条的控诉,我的大脑一片空白。
我不知道我该给女儿说什么,只是听到了我的心像玻璃瓶一样被击碎而崩了一地碎片的声音。做人真难,做一个能承担责任的人更难。要做一个好儿子、做一个好丈夫、做一个好父亲更是难上加难,难到让你绝望,难到让你失去活下去的勇气。
唉,我实在不想这样了。也不是不想承担责任,只是想喘口气,歇一歇。活着太累了,看不到未来,每天都在茫茫迷雾里摸索前行,最后弄的遍体鳞伤,却也只能独自疗伤。歇息一下吧。明天醒来又要迎着阳光去奔跑了。
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